What Happened At Three In The Morning

I was woken up suddenly at 3am this morning to what sounded like a someone breaking into my house. After my initial panic attack I managed to grow a pair and armed myself with my walking stick ready to face my attacker. When I entered the lounge I was prepared for the most epic battle of my life (I just knew they were going to try to steal my limited edition Snoop Dogg albums and I could not let that happen!)
As it turns out there was no thief. It was Mr.McNugget returning home from a late night of partying. He'd forgotten his keys and had to climb through the window....

Unfortunately he managed to get himself stuck in the blinds.
Just Saying :)xoxoxoxoxo

'Scriminating

The other day Mr.McNugget and I luncheoned at our favorite classy five-star (in my opinion I thought the official rating of one and a half stars was a tad bit harsh, I mean they only found two thirds of a mouse) restaurant "Burger Pit." After a three course meal of fine delicacies such as a finely grilled meat-and-something-or-other Pattie rested upon a lightly toasted refined white bread bun topped with preserved pickles and raggedly sliced tomatoes with a bit of shredded lettuce haphazardly thrown in for good measure. What really attracted me to this main course was its sophisticated yet elegant name "The McBurger Pit Whopper." Mr.McNugget then decided to have a frolic on the children’s adventure playground. I thought I'd better accompany him as he had a tendency to attempt the most dangerous of adventure playland courses. BUT as I removed my shoes and went to store them in the purple cubby hole I was rudely stopped by an arroogant young playland assistant/manager wearing a helicopter hat and a T-shirt that said "Burger Pit Playground: Drop your kids here and we'll play with them like they've never been played with before." I thought it was a rather long slogan considering kids can't read. Anyway the young lad told me that I was "too old" to be using the playground. He pointed to a sign that said "Children must be 10 years or younger" but as I am, well not old, let’s say, matured, my eye-sight is not what it used to be and I thought that the sign said 100 years or younger. I was furious that he would suggest that I was older than 100 and I said some things that I am not proud of. I accused him of 'scriminating against me (and yes I meant 'scriminating. My natural gangster slang usually comes out when I'm angry or upset). I was asked to leave after I hit him with my man-bag (and no I'm not gay, it's a fashion statement and sometimes Mr.McNugget gets tired while we’re out and about and I have to carry him). I am now banned from Burger Pit and I had to wait outside, keeping a 15m radius away from the premises while Mr.McNugget finished his play time. I am still very disappointed though that I am discriminated against because of my age and I am planning of taking this to the Small Disputes Tribunal right after my eye-sight check this afternoon. 
Here's a picture of the fine food I no longer get to dine on.

Mmmm yummy

Stupid peeps

Recently I have found that most of the Earth's population of human beings have been annoying the crap out of me. Every day I come across people who I believe were born with no common sense whatsoever. The other day I noticed someone trying to pull open a door that was clearly labelled "Push." And in my pottery class there's this one lady who thinks that she sings like Taylor Swift. I can tell you now that her singing sounds a lot like Mr.McNugget when he has diarrhoea. Every day she ruins good songs by belting them out in her insanely grotesque fashion.
I read this quote the once "Anyone who angers you conquers you." Well I would just like to say that whoever wrote that quote must have been the most tolerant bastard ever born.
People infuriate me.

Neighbourhood Villains

Recently I've been having a bit of trouble with juvenile delinquents in my community. You see, I live in a boring old town in the middle of nowhere so there is nothing for today's youth to do but turn to a life of crime. From thieving to vandalism, these young troublemakers are doing it here, there and everywhere. And I've had about enough of it! The other day I caught those hooligans playing football on my front lawn. Now, I know that I'm the only person on the street at the moment who actually bothers to keep my lawns tidy, and there really is not any other suitable place for kids to play football. But I'll tell you one thing: I hate sharing! If those kids want to play football, they better go find somewhere else to do it because the front lawn is reserved for mine and Mr.McNugget's croquet tournaments every other Tuesday, and I can't have the lawns being all mangled and uneven when I'm trying to hit my balls into the holes. I told them as much, the day I caught them doing it during breakfast one morning. I ran out there to give them a right telling off (still wearing only my dressing robe, but I took my walking stick with me to make myself seem more threatening). They were not deterred though, for they came back about an hour later with spray paint and marked out an actual pitch on the grass. That was the final straw! I needed to up my game, so I installed spy cameras in every corner of my garden... Then realising that that wouldn't do shit to scare them away I decided to just go ahead and call the police. They managed to take care of it... for about five seconds. The little bastards were let off with no more than a slap on the wrist and a ring home to their parents. And as it turned out, they were rather pissed off at me for calling the cops and this happened:

I now host weekly Football games at my house for all the bored teens of the neighbourhood.
Just Saying :)xoxoxoxo

Mr.McNuggets drug charge

Last night I was watching reruns of my favourite TV show 'Real Housewives of the 1950's' when I was interrupted by a phone call from the police. They told me that Mr.McNugget had been arrested on suspicion of buying and using drugs. I told them I knew nothing about it (a lie of course, Mr.McNugget's been hooked on cocaine for the past three years due to me failing to keep my stash well enough hidden). Anyway, they made me go down to the station to answer a few questions. The interrogation was intense:

"What is your name?"
"People call me Complainative Bastard."
"Are you the owner of this cat?"
"Unfortunately."
"Have you fed your cat any illegal substances in the last 24 hours?"
"No."
"Thank you, that will be all.You may take your cat and go."
"Alright then."

Wow. Didn't think I was going to make it through that alive. This is how Mr.McNugget looked when I picked him up: He insisted he didn't take anything but...

Wrong Number

 Last night I got a call from the Happy Days Retirement Home saying that my mother had passed away peacefully in her sleep. I thought this sounded a bit fishy as she had always told me that if she were going to die, she wouldn't go down without a fight. Nevertheless, this was fantastic news! Mr.McNugget and I headed down to the local bar to celebrate. After a few drinks I'd gotten it into my head that this was my lucky day and decided to bet all my money on the Spartans in the game against the Bullfrogs. Everyone who watches Competitive Knitting will know that that wasn't the best idea. The Spartans messed it all up in the last minute by dropping a row of stitches! Needless to say, I lost all me money. At the time, though, I didn't care because it thought I'd get a huge inheritance from my supposedly dead mother. It wasn't until I got home and checked my answer machine that I found out they'd dialled the wrong number and that my mother was still very much alive! So now I'm back to being depressed and posting FML statuses on Facebook to try and get attention. This doesn't work though as I have no friends.
FML :(xoxoxoxo


When I heard the news, I was devastated... She wasn't dead!

Hearing Aid

I have been told that I have a nasty habit of over-sharing in my blog posts. Its probably true but I'm going to completely disregard my mothers advice about keeping things to myself and tell you anyway.Yesterday I went to the Doctor for my annual health check up. I don't usually do this as I have hated doctors ever since the prostate exam incident of 1998. Anyhow, you'll be pleased to know that everything is in perfect working order. Well everything except for my hearing, apparently. When my check up was complete the Doctor said to me "Everything seems to be in order." After he said this I punched him in the face thinking he had said "I want to f*** your daughter." (I don't have a daughter but still, it sounded offencive). Needless to say, after I'd apologised many times (well once, but who's counting?) I was diagnosed with impaired hearing. I now have to wear a stupid hearing aid. At first I was embarrassed about it but then, as I was walking around town, I noticed that many young kids are also wearing hearing aids these days. It's nice to know that I'm part of a popular youth trend.

My hearing aid is similar to this kid's:

Mr.McNugget's Redecorating Disaster

This morning I woke up to find that Mr.McNugget had taken it upon himself to redecorate the house. Nuff said.

I'm back!

To my many, many fans out there

You may have been wondering what has been happening to me these past few months. I know I haven’t been keeping up with blog posts (what can I say? I’m old and forgetful) and for that I am sorry. But I have a good reason. It all started on the 7^th of February, I was all ready for bed, my teeth brushed and by pyjamas on, and I was just settling down to watch the daily Keno draw at five ‘o’ clock. At first, I couldn’t believe what was happening; the numbers just kept coming and coming. Before I knew it I was dancing around the lounge singing. I won! 50,000 dollars was all mine. Finally I was accomplishing something. My life, no longer a waste. No longer a failure. My mother would be so proud...

Then Mr. McNugget ate the winning ticket.

It was my own fault, I suppose. I neglected to buy cat food and, instead, spent the money on that new protein shake diet programme.

Anyway, I was so annoyed I could have strangled that little pest of an animal. But I didn’t, he’s my only friend. Instead I whipped out a packet of chocolate fudge creams and gorged myself until the pain subsided. After my unhealthy binge-fest I signed up on one of those internet sites where you can win stuff if you just send in your credit card details and social security number. Instantly, I won a three week cruise around the Greek Islands! I couldn’t believe my luck. I hurriedly packed my belongings, stuffed Mr. McNugget into my suitcase and headed to the airport.

In hindsight I should have been more careful (you know how those interweb sites can be. All small print and minute details) and in my hurry I didn’t read the fine print properly and ended up getting on the wrong flight (the printing was so small the 6 looked like an 8). As it turned out, I’d jumped onto an aeroplane bound for a tiny country at the bottom of the world called New Zealand. Or something like that anyway (it was hard to understand their accents). I had been stuck in that Kiwi-Land for three months. There was nothing but sheep and Hobbits. Everyone wore flip-flops all the time (and when it was cold they’d wear flip-flops with socks underneath) and lived on dairy farms and drove around in their paddocks on quad-bikes. I’ve spent the last 85 days living off fish and chips. And this strange fruit called a kiwi-berry. I think we can safely say that my get-slim-quickly protein shake diet has gone down the toilet. Oh, that reminds me, the only toilets they had in New Zealand were long-drops. Eugh. It’s good to be home.

Here's a picture of me taken by some Kiwi bloke:

The time I pissed off every street gang in town.

It all went down on the first of April, 5 years ago (that’s April fools day for those of you who can’t figure that out) and, at the time, I was going through a rebellious, cool guy, gangsta phase. As it was April Fools I thought it would be a good idea to TP (toilet paper) every house on the block. Little did I know that I had actually just moved into the ‘bad’ part of town (where all the gangs live). Anyway, as you can imagine, all this sh** went down and, long story short (mostly I’m shortening it because my arthritis is playing up and it’s getting hard for me to type) they told me to skip town or else they would kill me. Naturally, I did what any normal person would do and stayed my ground (I wasn’t gonna let any Punk-assed little wanksta (wannabe gangsta) kick me outta my kribb. I’m still living here today but I have to be careful when I leave the house, they’re still out to get me, after all these years.

Here is a photo of me taken during my rebel-gangsta phase:

Laterz ow G!

Deceiving Unis

It has been one day since I posted about my brother, Unis coming to stay with me. He still hasn’t arrived yet. I’m beginning to think that maybe his plane did crash (something I honestly have no problem with). Thankfully this extra time has allowed me to come up with a plan on how to impress him (so I don’t look like such a looser when he harps on about how rich and successful he is). So with my genius mind and a little help from Mr.McNugget I have come up with a fool-proof plan to success:

1.       A hot girlfriend. If there is one thing that Unis has always failed at, it’s getting girls. I on the other hand, have also always found it hard to attract the opposite sex, but I have a way around that. If you have ever seen the Twilight movies you will have observed how Bella is always falling at Edward’s feet. The same rule shall now apply to me as, right at this moment, I am undergoing a makeover to look like Edward. With my new Vampire allure all the sad, lonely, pathetic Bella’s of the world will be falling at my feet.

2.       Getting rich. This one is easy as I only have to pretend to be rich as opposed to actually earning money. All I have to do is photocopy a few bank notes and flash them at my brother about say; 20 times a day and he will think that I actually have that much cash. I just have to be careful that Mr.McNugget doesn’t actually try to spend the fake dollars (he’s already been jailed for fraud and I don’t think I have the money to bail him out again).

3.       Gang affiliation. This is the most difficult and dangerous step. Mostly because every street gang in town wants to kill me (something I have not yet blogged about but if you stay tuned you might get the full story). Anyway, to get around this problem I have decided to make up my own gang. We’re called the Complaining-Bastard-Nuggets and so far Mr.McNugget and I are the only members. But if you would like to be in the coolest new gang in town, feel free to join. Mostly we just wander the streets (in our cool gangsta outfits) and complain to random people. It’s more dangerous than you think, this morning I told a middle aged lady that her skin is starting to sag- she hit me over the head with her purse and then proceeded to kick me with her pointy stiletto shoes.

I hope this plan works. I went to a lot of trouble to come up with it (almost 20 minutes of thinking). PS. This is my sexy new Vampire look. Watch-out ladies!

Hot damn!

The Visitor

Good lord! I’ve just received some terrible news. No, no, don’t worry. I’m not dying. It’s far worse than that. My older brother, Unis is coming to visit me. He will be staying with me for three weeks while his luxury condo is being renovated (rich prick) and he has ordered me to get rid of Mr.McNugget for that period of time. He has hated Mr.McNugget ever since he ate Unis’ pet Guinea-pig when we were children.  I don’t know why he has held a grudge against him for all this time but that is not the worst of it. After the unfortunate death of Miss Fluffles my mother let him buy a pet that she thought would not be eaten by Mr.McNugget. The Rottweiler’s name was Beefy and, sadly, Mr.McNugget ate him too. I thought it was all utterly hilarious but, unfortunately, Unis and I don’t share the same sense of humour.

Despite me being the more likable and charismatic (and not to mention drop dead handsome) of the Bastard brothers, Unis was always the one to come out on top. Literally, when we had to share a room as kids he would always get the top bunk. And I’m telling you, it was never any fun for me when that weak-bladderd simpleton wet the bed. Anyway, as the years passed it became clear who the more successful brother would be. Unis is now a multi-millionare and owns six homes in each country plus three on the moon. He has a hundred different blogs (all more lucrative than mine) and has connections to ten different street gangs including the Hard-Ass-Piglets and the Lettuce-Killing-Spinsters. Also, he looks younger than me (but I suspect he has been having plastic surgery done because there’s something about his face that just looks wrong). Honestly, I don’t really want to elaborate much further on how much better he is. I’m just going to lock myself in my room and cry until he arrives in his private jet. I hope it crashes.

Just Saying:)xoxoxoxoxoxo

My New Job

Yesterday I went supermarket shopping for the first time in three months. I used to have people who did it for me but ever since the bunch of frauds from the ‘Help for the Disabled Foundation’ found out I wasn’t really a 95 year old veteran who lost both his legs in the War they haven’t been delivering my groceries. How rude! Anyway, since I had no money and was barely managing to survive on the desecrated rodents Mr.McNugget managed to catch from under the house, I decided I had better get a job. I applied for numerous jobs that I thought I was well suited to- Town Mayor, Basketball Player, Male Model... Alas, I ended up being roped into the only job I could ever hate. I now work at the ’Happy Rainbows Day-care centre’ just down the road from where I live. I have to spend eight hours a day changing diapers and wiping snotty noses just so I can make ends meet. If it weren’t for the fact that I actually have to eat to survive (something I find very inconvenient) I would be running those little shits toerags down in the silly pink automobile that I am now forced to drive around (for work purposes that I really don’t understand). I HATE KIDS!!!

I look like Barbie's grandfather. How embarrassing!
Peace out!

The Complainative Bastard Facebook page.

That's right- due to immense pressure from my fan base (and Mr. McNugget) I now have a so called "Facebook page". We will be using this page to keep all you "Facebookers" updated on our day-to-day activities, and also to let you know when I have updated this amazing blog of mine. I didn't really want to get one, but Mr. McNugget insisted. He had to make it for me because I had no idea how to. I just told him what to say. If you wish to join our page Mr McNugget says this is where you go: http://www.facebook.com/ComplainativeBastard

In other completely unrelated news, the reason I have not updated in about a month and a half (you were counting? You need to get out more) is because I have just recently gotten my results for the short time I spent at high school making up for lost results. I locked myself in my room and wouldn't come out because of how horribly I did. I got an A- instead of an A! The school WILL be hearing about this! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lawsuit to file. Wicki wicki wanc, spanc!