My new girlfriend

That’s right, that’s right! I have a new girlfriend... well, had a new girlfriend actually. Let me explain: It all started at the hospital. There was this nurse, Vunchesca (she was Russian or something), and everything about her was beautiful; her eyes, her hair, her smile. It was love at first sight (well, for me it was anyway, I didn’t realise until later that she’d played me for a fool). I didn’t even think I could feel love for anyone but Mr.McNugget, especially after my horrible ex-wife left me because I told her that she was too fat and she smelled funny (what’s wrong with a little creative criticism?). Anyway, as soon as I got out of the hospital I asked her to move in with me. She screamed and told me that she didn’t even know me. She was right! In my haste to start my 4-step plan to get her to marry me I’d forgotten that I hadn’t even introduced myself. But I couldn’t let her get away! So I put on my best Charlie Sheen voice (he’s always a hit with the ladies) and told her who I was and then proceeded to kiss her. I ended up taking an eyeful of pepper spray! As I lay in the gutter outside the hospital writhing in pain (and nearly being run over) I knew I’d blown it with Vunchesca. I picked myself up and started off home. But sadly, my vision was a bit blurry from the mace and I ended up stumbling out onto the road and being hit by a car. Obviously I survived (or else I wouldn’t be blogging about it). I wasn’t badly hurt (just a bit of internal bleeding I think) but I lay on the ground and moaned in pain. I put on quite the dramatic show hoping that I would be able to sue the person who viciously ran me down while I was crossing the street. Sadly there were no witnesses so my performance was unnecessary.  But then the unimaginable happened- out of the car came a reasonably attractive woman (not as hot as Vunchesca but still doable). I was in love all over again.  But when I asked her to move in with me she had the same reaction as Vunchesca (except instead of using pepper spray she used her whole handbag to hit me with). I was, yet again, left in the gutter to die. But as it turns out Mr.McNugget was joyriding in my car again (that little bugger!) and he found me and took me home. And I vowed that I would find love someday never attempt to love anyone again.

Here is my fail-proof (unless you’re me) 4-step plan to get someone to marry you:

Step 1: Ask them to move in with you. If they don’t want to do this then you move in with them (secretly if you have to).

Step 2: Test their cooking and house cleaning skills. If they are not good at either of these things then you probably don’t want to marry them.

Step 3: Tell them lies that will make you seen more attractive. E.g. “Every other guy in town has AIDS.” Or “I am actually a millionaire.” Or “I buy gifts for sick children at the orphanage.”

Step 4: Pop the question in such a way that they can’t say no or if they do they will end up really embarrassed. E.g. Get up on stage at a concert and ask them to marry you in front of a huge crowd (preferably at a rock concert where the crowd might beat them to death if they say no). Or ask them in front of their closest friends and family (who will lose all respect for them if they don’t say yes).

Just follow this fail-proof guide and you’ll be happily married in no time! (ComplainativeBastard will not be held responsible if the plan fails and you end up bleeding in a gutter somewhere. Terms and conditions may apply).