My new girlfriend

That’s right, that’s right! I have a new girlfriend... well, had a new girlfriend actually. Let me explain: It all started at the hospital. There was this nurse, Vunchesca (she was Russian or something), and everything about her was beautiful; her eyes, her hair, her smile. It was love at first sight (well, for me it was anyway, I didn’t realise until later that she’d played me for a fool). I didn’t even think I could feel love for anyone but Mr.McNugget, especially after my horrible ex-wife left me because I told her that she was too fat and she smelled funny (what’s wrong with a little creative criticism?). Anyway, as soon as I got out of the hospital I asked her to move in with me. She screamed and told me that she didn’t even know me. She was right! In my haste to start my 4-step plan to get her to marry me I’d forgotten that I hadn’t even introduced myself. But I couldn’t let her get away! So I put on my best Charlie Sheen voice (he’s always a hit with the ladies) and told her who I was and then proceeded to kiss her. I ended up taking an eyeful of pepper spray! As I lay in the gutter outside the hospital writhing in pain (and nearly being run over) I knew I’d blown it with Vunchesca. I picked myself up and started off home. But sadly, my vision was a bit blurry from the mace and I ended up stumbling out onto the road and being hit by a car. Obviously I survived (or else I wouldn’t be blogging about it). I wasn’t badly hurt (just a bit of internal bleeding I think) but I lay on the ground and moaned in pain. I put on quite the dramatic show hoping that I would be able to sue the person who viciously ran me down while I was crossing the street. Sadly there were no witnesses so my performance was unnecessary.  But then the unimaginable happened- out of the car came a reasonably attractive woman (not as hot as Vunchesca but still doable). I was in love all over again.  But when I asked her to move in with me she had the same reaction as Vunchesca (except instead of using pepper spray she used her whole handbag to hit me with). I was, yet again, left in the gutter to die. But as it turns out Mr.McNugget was joyriding in my car again (that little bugger!) and he found me and took me home. And I vowed that I would find love someday never attempt to love anyone again.

Here is my fail-proof (unless you’re me) 4-step plan to get someone to marry you:

Step 1: Ask them to move in with you. If they don’t want to do this then you move in with them (secretly if you have to).

Step 2: Test their cooking and house cleaning skills. If they are not good at either of these things then you probably don’t want to marry them.

Step 3: Tell them lies that will make you seen more attractive. E.g. “Every other guy in town has AIDS.” Or “I am actually a millionaire.” Or “I buy gifts for sick children at the orphanage.”

Step 4: Pop the question in such a way that they can’t say no or if they do they will end up really embarrassed. E.g. Get up on stage at a concert and ask them to marry you in front of a huge crowd (preferably at a rock concert where the crowd might beat them to death if they say no). Or ask them in front of their closest friends and family (who will lose all respect for them if they don’t say yes).

Just follow this fail-proof guide and you’ll be happily married in no time! (ComplainativeBastard will not be held responsible if the plan fails and you end up bleeding in a gutter somewhere. Terms and conditions may apply).

I should not be doing this right now...

Many of you young fans may have been wondering why I haven’t been updating my bog lately. Well, that is because I’ve just had a short stint in hospital. Yes, that is right, I -The invincible ComplainativeBastard- was in hospital.

It all started on Sunday the 6^th of November. I’d just finished two consecutive blog posts -ranting about ComplainativeMan and his nefarious antics –and I had spent three hours sitting at my computer, Blogging, watching missed episodes of Home and Away, and Google searching pointless things. But when I got up out of my chair I felt very light-headed (which is strange, my head is usually quite heavy because my head is actually bigger than normal and very disproportionate to the rest of my body) and after taking a couple of steps towards the bathroom (I really needed to pee, six cups of coffee and three straight hours of sitting will do that to you) I fell right onto...The couch, (narrowly missing my sharp dagger display, toxic waste pool and pile of broken glass) thank goodness, I was safe... But then I passed out.

Thankfully, Mr.McNugget (ever so faithful) managed to call an ambulance. I was rushed to hospital. In the E.R., the doctors so smartly diagnosed me with “Hyperscreenoptichtricia.” I wasn’t so sure, it sounded made up to me. Anyway, they said that I needed to stay in the hospital for a few days just in case I had anymore dizzy spells. I wasn’t pleased about this but they said that the food was free so I consented. Once I was tucked safely in my bed the doctor explained to me what Hyperscreenoptichtricia was. As it turns out Hyperscreenoptichtricia is a condition that you get from watching too much Television, Computer or Gaming. The symptoms are dizziness, fainting, random fits of anger, square eyes, involuntarily falling asleep, rude and annoying flatulence, slow reflexes, loss  of hearing, raging headaches, bouts of diarrhea and constipation, swelling of the eyeballs, sneezing, extreme hunger, weight gain, continuous complaining, hallucinations, clumsiness and itching. I was stunned, I had all the symptoms. I’d always thought it was just because I was old, but now I know the truth. I have Hyperscreenoptichtricia. The doctor also told me that I was no longer allowed to watch Television, play Playstation or Blog. I lied and said that I would not do any of these things. The doc’ seemed pleased with my obedience and proceeded to hand me the TV remote, before leaving the room. Was this guy for real? He’d just spent half an hour lecturing me on the dangers of watching television with my condition and what does he go and do? He hands me the controlling devise for the TV on the wall right in front of my bed. Well, I guess that watching TV is all that there is to do when one is in hospital. But still! That doctor was an idiot! And I was stuck watching daytime television for a whole week!

It wasn’t all bad, though, Mr.McNugget came and visited me (he wanted to take photos but I wouldn't let him because of how terrible I looked). And there was a lot of complaining to do. From toilets to pudding cups, if there was something wrong with it, I was complaining about it. But eventually they got sick of me and I was sent back home.

PS. When I got home I found that Mr.McNugget had been throwing parties without me knowing and he’d trashed the place. Little ratbag!

PPS. Hospital pudding sucks!

Complainative Man- a small poem.

You are a nut!
You have a RubbrButt!
Every time you turn around
It goes putt putt!

Nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah!

This is what I was going to write. But then, I thought, because I'm older and therefore more sophisticated, it would just be petty of me.
I'm being the bigger person.
Complainative Man, YOU CAN SUCK IT! You little toilet seat face!

Complainative Man- at it again!

I'm so incensed with rage! This "Complainative Man" is stealing all my endorsment deals! I was signed  up to endorse the New Rubber toilet seats, manufactured by Rubbr and co. They were going to have my face on the cover! Unfortunately, they wanted a younger, more attractive looking man (I don't know what the problem is? I'm pretty spiffing for my age!) and Complainiative Man was quick to sign up. Apparantly it restricts people's bowel movements to look at "ugly old faces" while using the toilet. So I am unsure as to why they wish Complainative Man to be the face of RubbrButt. Not that I care, anyway. I still have my pickle endorsement job to go back to.


For those of you who don't remember, I scored this gig to encourage people to buy lots of pickles to survive the end of the world.

Halloween

Last week I decided that Mr.McNugget and I would celebrate Halloween. We don't usually celebrate it but it was on a Friday night and we were bored. As it was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing we didn't have any costumes organised and we had to improvise. Mr.McNugget wanted to go as a Vampire and since I didn't have much to choose from I had to go in the old clothes that I stole from a poor vagrant on the street one day:

It looks totally authentic!

We had to shave off all Mr.McNugget's fur to achieve this look.
...So with our costumes sorted we went off trick-or-treating. And then found out we'd gotten the day wrong and Halloween was about five days ago (damn!). But luckily, because of my costume, everyone thought I was a homeless person and gave me free food (score!). We managed to bag ourselves six casseroles, three bags of fruit, and ten loaves of bread. That ought to keep us fed for a good week or so.

Mr.McNuggets Hangover

Yes, yes. Poor Mr.McNugget partied hard last night too. He's very hungover:

Mr.McNugget and his cat friends at the party.



Last night he passed out on the couch, drunk.

The mother of all cat hangovers this morning.

The Hangover

Last night I decided to throw a party. As it turns out, that wasn't a very good idea. Today I am very hungover on account of last night drinking games. But the party was totally OFF THE HOOK! Mr.McNugget set up a karaoke set and everyone partied until 5am... at least I think they did (honestly, I can't remember most of it) but looking at the photos, I think it was pretty awesome!

 

My Mother

Today I went to the nursing home to visit my mother. Something I haven't done since I turned 80 (mostly because I'm scared they might try to put me in a home) but I thought I'd start making an effort because my old mother is probably going to die soon (yay) and I want to suck up to her so I can get a lot of inheritance money. It'll actually be about another 50 years before the old bag carks it, but I want to get in there before my older brother, Unis, does. I have to make sure that I'm the favourite son so I can get more inheritance than him. It will be tough, though, that old bag is a bit of a complainer (where do you think I got my talent from? My father? I don't think so) and it's very difficult to please her... but I think I can pull it off. So long as Mr.McNugget doesn't get anywhere near her. Ever since the first day, when I rescued him from the Chinese Takeout Store and brought him home with me, she's hated him. Poor mother came home from a hard day working as a receptionist at the Rubber Band Factory to find that young Mr.McNugget had taken a poo in her favourite pair of slippers. It was my fault that he had diarrhoea (I thought that it was a good idea to feed him ice-cream). But anyway, I have to go now, Mother wants a cup of tea.
Stupid old hag...
Also, she thinks that my blog is stupid...
Grr...

This is my mother, isn't she charming?
Not really.

CompalinativeBastard comics

Yes that's right. You heard it here first. They are now making comics about me! Check out this one I found: