The time I pissed off every street gang in town.

It all went down on the first of April, 5 years ago (that’s April fools day for those of you who can’t figure that out) and, at the time, I was going through a rebellious, cool guy, gangsta phase. As it was April Fools I thought it would be a good idea to TP (toilet paper) every house on the block. Little did I know that I had actually just moved into the ‘bad’ part of town (where all the gangs live). Anyway, as you can imagine, all this sh** went down and, long story short (mostly I’m shortening it because my arthritis is playing up and it’s getting hard for me to type) they told me to skip town or else they would kill me. Naturally, I did what any normal person would do and stayed my ground (I wasn’t gonna let any Punk-assed little wanksta (wannabe gangsta) kick me outta my kribb. I’m still living here today but I have to be careful when I leave the house, they’re still out to get me, after all these years.

Here is a photo of me taken during my rebel-gangsta phase:

Laterz ow G!

Deceiving Unis

It has been one day since I posted about my brother, Unis coming to stay with me. He still hasn’t arrived yet. I’m beginning to think that maybe his plane did crash (something I honestly have no problem with). Thankfully this extra time has allowed me to come up with a plan on how to impress him (so I don’t look like such a looser when he harps on about how rich and successful he is). So with my genius mind and a little help from Mr.McNugget I have come up with a fool-proof plan to success:

1.       A hot girlfriend. If there is one thing that Unis has always failed at, it’s getting girls. I on the other hand, have also always found it hard to attract the opposite sex, but I have a way around that. If you have ever seen the Twilight movies you will have observed how Bella is always falling at Edward’s feet. The same rule shall now apply to me as, right at this moment, I am undergoing a makeover to look like Edward. With my new Vampire allure all the sad, lonely, pathetic Bella’s of the world will be falling at my feet.

2.       Getting rich. This one is easy as I only have to pretend to be rich as opposed to actually earning money. All I have to do is photocopy a few bank notes and flash them at my brother about say; 20 times a day and he will think that I actually have that much cash. I just have to be careful that Mr.McNugget doesn’t actually try to spend the fake dollars (he’s already been jailed for fraud and I don’t think I have the money to bail him out again).

3.       Gang affiliation. This is the most difficult and dangerous step. Mostly because every street gang in town wants to kill me (something I have not yet blogged about but if you stay tuned you might get the full story). Anyway, to get around this problem I have decided to make up my own gang. We’re called the Complaining-Bastard-Nuggets and so far Mr.McNugget and I are the only members. But if you would like to be in the coolest new gang in town, feel free to join. Mostly we just wander the streets (in our cool gangsta outfits) and complain to random people. It’s more dangerous than you think, this morning I told a middle aged lady that her skin is starting to sag- she hit me over the head with her purse and then proceeded to kick me with her pointy stiletto shoes.

I hope this plan works. I went to a lot of trouble to come up with it (almost 20 minutes of thinking). PS. This is my sexy new Vampire look. Watch-out ladies!

Hot damn!

The Visitor

Good lord! I’ve just received some terrible news. No, no, don’t worry. I’m not dying. It’s far worse than that. My older brother, Unis is coming to visit me. He will be staying with me for three weeks while his luxury condo is being renovated (rich prick) and he has ordered me to get rid of Mr.McNugget for that period of time. He has hated Mr.McNugget ever since he ate Unis’ pet Guinea-pig when we were children.  I don’t know why he has held a grudge against him for all this time but that is not the worst of it. After the unfortunate death of Miss Fluffles my mother let him buy a pet that she thought would not be eaten by Mr.McNugget. The Rottweiler’s name was Beefy and, sadly, Mr.McNugget ate him too. I thought it was all utterly hilarious but, unfortunately, Unis and I don’t share the same sense of humour.

Despite me being the more likable and charismatic (and not to mention drop dead handsome) of the Bastard brothers, Unis was always the one to come out on top. Literally, when we had to share a room as kids he would always get the top bunk. And I’m telling you, it was never any fun for me when that weak-bladderd simpleton wet the bed. Anyway, as the years passed it became clear who the more successful brother would be. Unis is now a multi-millionare and owns six homes in each country plus three on the moon. He has a hundred different blogs (all more lucrative than mine) and has connections to ten different street gangs including the Hard-Ass-Piglets and the Lettuce-Killing-Spinsters. Also, he looks younger than me (but I suspect he has been having plastic surgery done because there’s something about his face that just looks wrong). Honestly, I don’t really want to elaborate much further on how much better he is. I’m just going to lock myself in my room and cry until he arrives in his private jet. I hope it crashes.

Just Saying:)xoxoxoxoxoxo

My New Job

Yesterday I went supermarket shopping for the first time in three months. I used to have people who did it for me but ever since the bunch of frauds from the ‘Help for the Disabled Foundation’ found out I wasn’t really a 95 year old veteran who lost both his legs in the War they haven’t been delivering my groceries. How rude! Anyway, since I had no money and was barely managing to survive on the desecrated rodents Mr.McNugget managed to catch from under the house, I decided I had better get a job. I applied for numerous jobs that I thought I was well suited to- Town Mayor, Basketball Player, Male Model... Alas, I ended up being roped into the only job I could ever hate. I now work at the ’Happy Rainbows Day-care centre’ just down the road from where I live. I have to spend eight hours a day changing diapers and wiping snotty noses just so I can make ends meet. If it weren’t for the fact that I actually have to eat to survive (something I find very inconvenient) I would be running those little shits toerags down in the silly pink automobile that I am now forced to drive around (for work purposes that I really don’t understand). I HATE KIDS!!!

I look like Barbie's grandfather. How embarrassing!
Peace out!