Today I wake up to the irksome sound of Mr.McNugget coughing up a hairball at 5 in the morning. He does this every day. It's because he is so hairy, whenever he licks himself he ends up ingesting half the fur on his body. I plan to fix this by shaving off all his fur. But right now the clippers are worn out from my monthly foot hair trimming. So I add 'hair clippers' to my already large and expensive shopping list.
Breakfast. All that is left in the fridge is half a tin of cat food and an apple crumble that my neighbour, Mrs Harper, brought me yesterday. I make a choice. Cat food it is! I don't like Mrs Harper and I know that she secretly hates me too (even though she acts like she doesn't). I am afraid that she may have laced the crumble with laxatives or rat poison. I grab a couple of bowls (from the sink full of already dirty dishes) they look clean enough. I serve up breakfast. We eat. Just me and Mr.McNugget. Then I get ready to start the day.
Starting the day. I shave, shower and put on clothes then go to the toilet in anticipation of my daily bowel movement. Forget to wash my hands. Pocket my shopping list and car keys and head out the door...
I forgot something. Go back inside and take the apple crumble out of the fridge. Lace it with laxatives (even though it probably already is) and re-heat it a little in the microwave. Then I head out the door again (grinning evilly to myself) and take the crumble over to Mrs Harpers house. Smile politely as I hand her the crumble. Tell her how delicious her crumble was and I thought I'd bake one for her. Then I leave with the knowledge that this silly charade has been going on for 5 months now and I'm pretty sure that was the original crumble she gave me and it has been passed back and forth between us about 100 times becoming fuller and fuller of laxatives, rat poison, razor blades and various other dangerous things.
Shopping. I drive for 2 minutes. Arrive at the grocery store. It’s a disgustingly grungy place that smells like cow poo, petrol and urine. But they always have cheap deals like half price yogurt and other dairy product that are past their use by date, so this is where I shop. I get offered drugs by the shady emo kid who is always loitering outside the store. I am appalled (that he didn’t have any cocaine) so I take some weed. I do my shopping and head over the checkout. The checkout guy is ugly (just saying xoxoxox). I pay for my groceries ($87 what a rip off!) and then voice all my complaints by filling out a lot of customer review forms. On my way home I purchase a daily Keno lottery ticket and then sit down to watch the draw.
Daily Keno draw. I did not win (figures). I cry for two hours and then sit down to blog about my day.
Just Saying :) xoxoxoxoxo
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