Every day I'm...

Shuffling! I told you I'd keep you posted. As it so happens, I got so good at shuffling that I'm replacing Fly Glue as back up dancer in LMFHO's (Laughing My F**king Head Off) new music video- "My Genius is Showing". It's so awesome, I get to dance with the famous Ned Roo! Check it out:

High School

Today I received a phone call. But at the time I was in my home gym, working out on my abs-circle-pro system and lifting weights so I didn’t bother to pick up. Sadly they rang again later. I was reluctant to answer it because I thought it might be my mother, calling to try and get me to visit her again. She thinks I don’t visit her enough (which is ridiculous because I visited her a few years ago on her 125^th birthday). Luckily, it was not my mother but my old high school principal, yikes! (I was about to hang up right then and there but I was curious about how he was still alive, the dodgy old bastard). As it turns out, I never properly graduated high school. Apparently I cheated in a maths exam in my last year and should not have passed. I told him to prove it (he never liked me and I think he’s lying), he does. He sends a video to my iPhone of me copying off someone else’s paper. It looks pretty legit’ (sadly) and so, I have to return to high school.

High School. Need I say more? You all know how horrible it is! How the teachers think they know it all when in fact, they’re just a bunch of dumb-asses. How the other students bully you if you do something they don’t approve of or think is un-cool (apparently like placing a framed picture of myself and Mr. McNugget on my desk). But after a hard day of complaining at the teachers and slacking off in class, I was finally accepted into a group- the cool kids! They actually did. For some reason they were impressed with a bit of half arsed complaining (thought it was bad ass or something). I was one of the popular kids for all of 5 minutes until they kicked me out! (Something about me hitting on the cool dudes girlfriend) I think they were just intimidated by my being better looking than them. Oh well! I managed to find an even cooler group of friends. One of them is in the Debating team and the other is in the Chess club (I’m not sure what either of those are but they sound pretty cool).

Here’s a picture of me and my cool new friends:

Sushi

Recently someone has told me that I'm overweight and very unfit (but what would he know? He's only a Doctor) I don't usually take other peoples advice on board but when I caught a look at myself in the mirror yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to start eating healthy. You see, I'm trying to fit into a tight pair of skinny jeans for my upcoming Rocker phase and so far  it's not working. Anyway, I decided to get some Sushi for lunch. Mr.McNugget was a little too keen though, and ended up putting too much Wasabi on his. He didn't like it much as you can see in this picture here:

Poor bugger. But from now on I think we're going to stick to my favourite fast food, McRonalds, it's the healthier option.

Mrs Harper (In Memoriam)

Dear old Mrs Harper was found unconscious in her house this morning. It seems that she was actually eating the apple crumble that I was lacing with rat poison, razor blades and laxatives, and even though the poison I was using is generally unharmful in small doses, the frequency of her consuming it caused the pathways to her brain to stop responding causing a small but damaging miscommunication to her brain, which caused a flaw in her sighting. Or something. The good news is that she underwent brain surgery and was fine within a few hours. But on the way back to her house she was hit by a bus.
R.I.P Mrs Harper. I always loved you. (Even though I always said I hated you, I didn't really mean it, you know that right? Just a bit of a laugh?)
Anyway, I wonder if the new episode of Ghost Whisperer is on TV.

Diary of a Complainative Bastard

Today I wake up to the irksome sound of Mr.McNugget coughing up a hairball at 5 in the morning. He does this every day. It's because he is so hairy, whenever he licks himself he ends up ingesting half the fur on his body. I plan to fix this by shaving off all his fur. But right now the clippers are worn out from my monthly foot hair trimming. So I add 'hair clippers' to my already large and expensive shopping list.
Breakfast. All that is left in the fridge is half a tin of cat food and an apple crumble that my neighbour, Mrs Harper, brought me yesterday. I make a choice. Cat food it is! I don't like Mrs Harper and I know that she secretly hates me too (even though she acts like she doesn't). I am afraid that she may have laced the crumble with laxatives or rat poison. I grab a couple of bowls (from the sink full of already dirty dishes) they look clean enough. I serve up breakfast. We eat. Just me and Mr.McNugget. Then I get ready to start the day.
Starting the day. I shave, shower and put on clothes then go to the toilet in anticipation of my daily bowel movement. Forget to wash my hands. Pocket my shopping list and car keys and head out the door...
I forgot something. Go back inside and take the apple crumble out of the fridge. Lace it with laxatives (even though it probably already is) and re-heat it a little in the microwave. Then I head out the door again (grinning evilly to myself) and take the crumble over to Mrs Harpers house. Smile politely as I hand her the crumble. Tell her how delicious her crumble was and I thought I'd bake one for her. Then I leave with the knowledge that this silly charade has been going on for 5 months now and I'm pretty sure that was the original crumble she gave me and it has been passed back and forth between us about 100 times becoming fuller and fuller of laxatives, rat poison, razor blades and various other dangerous things.
Shopping. I drive for 2 minutes. Arrive at the grocery store. It’s a disgustingly grungy place that smells like cow poo, petrol and urine. But they always have cheap deals like half price yogurt and other dairy product that are past their use by date, so this is where I shop. I get offered drugs by the shady emo kid who is always loitering outside the store. I am appalled (that he didn’t have any cocaine) so I take some weed. I do my shopping and head over the checkout. The checkout guy is ugly (just saying xoxoxox). I pay for my groceries ($87 what a rip off!) and then voice all my complaints by filling out a lot of customer review forms. On my way home I purchase a daily Keno lottery ticket and then sit down to watch the draw.
Daily Keno draw. I did not win (figures). I cry for two hours and then sit down to blog about my day.
Just Saying :) xoxoxoxoxo

Wash day!

It's that time of the month again. All you ladies know what I mean... It's time to wash Mr.McNugget (why, what were you thinking of?). Once a month there comes the time when I have to give Mr.McNugget a bath. I must warn you: it is NOT fun. He kicks, screams, bites and tries to claw out your eyes. By the time it was over my arms looked like that of a depressed, self harming, emo. I do not like giving Mr.McNugget bathes. Mr.McNugget does not like having bathes either. Ever since he was a little kitten he has kicked up a stink over bath times. Here's a picture of him the first time I ever gave him a bath:

He's soo cute!

The End is near, ComplainativeBastard Food!

Warning: The world is going to end in approximately 1 year and 37 days. So I have taken to buying food in jars to survive this disaster. Just Saying :)xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ComplainativeBastard Preserved Food,
It's the Complainative Food Source. 

This Jarred food is available for purchase at your local supermarket. Terms & Conditions may apply. ComplainativeBasterd will not be held responsible for any illnesses, injuries or deaths.