What Happened At Three In The Morning

I was woken up suddenly at 3am this morning to what sounded like a someone breaking into my house. After my initial panic attack I managed to grow a pair and armed myself with my walking stick ready to face my attacker. When I entered the lounge I was prepared for the most epic battle of my life (I just knew they were going to try to steal my limited edition Snoop Dogg albums and I could not let that happen!)
As it turns out there was no thief. It was Mr.McNugget returning home from a late night of partying. He'd forgotten his keys and had to climb through the window....

Unfortunately he managed to get himself stuck in the blinds.
Just Saying :)xoxoxoxoxo

'Scriminating

The other day Mr.McNugget and I luncheoned at our favorite classy five-star (in my opinion I thought the official rating of one and a half stars was a tad bit harsh, I mean they only found two thirds of a mouse) restaurant "Burger Pit." After a three course meal of fine delicacies such as a finely grilled meat-and-something-or-other Pattie rested upon a lightly toasted refined white bread bun topped with preserved pickles and raggedly sliced tomatoes with a bit of shredded lettuce haphazardly thrown in for good measure. What really attracted me to this main course was its sophisticated yet elegant name "The McBurger Pit Whopper." Mr.McNugget then decided to have a frolic on the children’s adventure playground. I thought I'd better accompany him as he had a tendency to attempt the most dangerous of adventure playland courses. BUT as I removed my shoes and went to store them in the purple cubby hole I was rudely stopped by an arroogant young playland assistant/manager wearing a helicopter hat and a T-shirt that said "Burger Pit Playground: Drop your kids here and we'll play with them like they've never been played with before." I thought it was a rather long slogan considering kids can't read. Anyway the young lad told me that I was "too old" to be using the playground. He pointed to a sign that said "Children must be 10 years or younger" but as I am, well not old, let’s say, matured, my eye-sight is not what it used to be and I thought that the sign said 100 years or younger. I was furious that he would suggest that I was older than 100 and I said some things that I am not proud of. I accused him of 'scriminating against me (and yes I meant 'scriminating. My natural gangster slang usually comes out when I'm angry or upset). I was asked to leave after I hit him with my man-bag (and no I'm not gay, it's a fashion statement and sometimes Mr.McNugget gets tired while we’re out and about and I have to carry him). I am now banned from Burger Pit and I had to wait outside, keeping a 15m radius away from the premises while Mr.McNugget finished his play time. I am still very disappointed though that I am discriminated against because of my age and I am planning of taking this to the Small Disputes Tribunal right after my eye-sight check this afternoon. 
Here's a picture of the fine food I no longer get to dine on.

Mmmm yummy

Stupid peeps

Recently I have found that most of the Earth's population of human beings have been annoying the crap out of me. Every day I come across people who I believe were born with no common sense whatsoever. The other day I noticed someone trying to pull open a door that was clearly labelled "Push." And in my pottery class there's this one lady who thinks that she sings like Taylor Swift. I can tell you now that her singing sounds a lot like Mr.McNugget when he has diarrhoea. Every day she ruins good songs by belting them out in her insanely grotesque fashion.
I read this quote the once "Anyone who angers you conquers you." Well I would just like to say that whoever wrote that quote must have been the most tolerant bastard ever born.
People infuriate me.

Neighbourhood Villains

Recently I've been having a bit of trouble with juvenile delinquents in my community. You see, I live in a boring old town in the middle of nowhere so there is nothing for today's youth to do but turn to a life of crime. From thieving to vandalism, these young troublemakers are doing it here, there and everywhere. And I've had about enough of it! The other day I caught those hooligans playing football on my front lawn. Now, I know that I'm the only person on the street at the moment who actually bothers to keep my lawns tidy, and there really is not any other suitable place for kids to play football. But I'll tell you one thing: I hate sharing! If those kids want to play football, they better go find somewhere else to do it because the front lawn is reserved for mine and Mr.McNugget's croquet tournaments every other Tuesday, and I can't have the lawns being all mangled and uneven when I'm trying to hit my balls into the holes. I told them as much, the day I caught them doing it during breakfast one morning. I ran out there to give them a right telling off (still wearing only my dressing robe, but I took my walking stick with me to make myself seem more threatening). They were not deterred though, for they came back about an hour later with spray paint and marked out an actual pitch on the grass. That was the final straw! I needed to up my game, so I installed spy cameras in every corner of my garden... Then realising that that wouldn't do shit to scare them away I decided to just go ahead and call the police. They managed to take care of it... for about five seconds. The little bastards were let off with no more than a slap on the wrist and a ring home to their parents. And as it turned out, they were rather pissed off at me for calling the cops and this happened:

I now host weekly Football games at my house for all the bored teens of the neighbourhood.
Just Saying :)xoxoxoxo

Mr.McNuggets drug charge

Last night I was watching reruns of my favourite TV show 'Real Housewives of the 1950's' when I was interrupted by a phone call from the police. They told me that Mr.McNugget had been arrested on suspicion of buying and using drugs. I told them I knew nothing about it (a lie of course, Mr.McNugget's been hooked on cocaine for the past three years due to me failing to keep my stash well enough hidden). Anyway, they made me go down to the station to answer a few questions. The interrogation was intense:

"What is your name?"
"People call me Complainative Bastard."
"Are you the owner of this cat?"
"Unfortunately."
"Have you fed your cat any illegal substances in the last 24 hours?"
"No."
"Thank you, that will be all.You may take your cat and go."
"Alright then."

Wow. Didn't think I was going to make it through that alive. This is how Mr.McNugget looked when I picked him up: He insisted he didn't take anything but...

Wrong Number

 Last night I got a call from the Happy Days Retirement Home saying that my mother had passed away peacefully in her sleep. I thought this sounded a bit fishy as she had always told me that if she were going to die, she wouldn't go down without a fight. Nevertheless, this was fantastic news! Mr.McNugget and I headed down to the local bar to celebrate. After a few drinks I'd gotten it into my head that this was my lucky day and decided to bet all my money on the Spartans in the game against the Bullfrogs. Everyone who watches Competitive Knitting will know that that wasn't the best idea. The Spartans messed it all up in the last minute by dropping a row of stitches! Needless to say, I lost all me money. At the time, though, I didn't care because it thought I'd get a huge inheritance from my supposedly dead mother. It wasn't until I got home and checked my answer machine that I found out they'd dialled the wrong number and that my mother was still very much alive! So now I'm back to being depressed and posting FML statuses on Facebook to try and get attention. This doesn't work though as I have no friends.
FML :(xoxoxoxo


When I heard the news, I was devastated... She wasn't dead!

Hearing Aid

I have been told that I have a nasty habit of over-sharing in my blog posts. Its probably true but I'm going to completely disregard my mothers advice about keeping things to myself and tell you anyway.Yesterday I went to the Doctor for my annual health check up. I don't usually do this as I have hated doctors ever since the prostate exam incident of 1998. Anyhow, you'll be pleased to know that everything is in perfect working order. Well everything except for my hearing, apparently. When my check up was complete the Doctor said to me "Everything seems to be in order." After he said this I punched him in the face thinking he had said "I want to f*** your daughter." (I don't have a daughter but still, it sounded offencive). Needless to say, after I'd apologised many times (well once, but who's counting?) I was diagnosed with impaired hearing. I now have to wear a stupid hearing aid. At first I was embarrassed about it but then, as I was walking around town, I noticed that many young kids are also wearing hearing aids these days. It's nice to know that I'm part of a popular youth trend.

My hearing aid is similar to this kid's: