Mr.McNuggets drug charge

Last night I was watching reruns of my favourite TV show 'Real Housewives of the 1950's' when I was interrupted by a phone call from the police. They told me that Mr.McNugget had been arrested on suspicion of buying and using drugs. I told them I knew nothing about it (a lie of course, Mr.McNugget's been hooked on cocaine for the past three years due to me failing to keep my stash well enough hidden). Anyway, they made me go down to the station to answer a few questions. The interrogation was intense:

"What is your name?"
"People call me Complainative Bastard."
"Are you the owner of this cat?"
"Unfortunately."
"Have you fed your cat any illegal substances in the last 24 hours?"
"No."
"Thank you, that will be all.You may take your cat and go."
"Alright then."

Wow. Didn't think I was going to make it through that alive. This is how Mr.McNugget looked when I picked him up: He insisted he didn't take anything but...

Wrong Number

 Last night I got a call from the Happy Days Retirement Home saying that my mother had passed away peacefully in her sleep. I thought this sounded a bit fishy as she had always told me that if she were going to die, she wouldn't go down without a fight. Nevertheless, this was fantastic news! Mr.McNugget and I headed down to the local bar to celebrate. After a few drinks I'd gotten it into my head that this was my lucky day and decided to bet all my money on the Spartans in the game against the Bullfrogs. Everyone who watches Competitive Knitting will know that that wasn't the best idea. The Spartans messed it all up in the last minute by dropping a row of stitches! Needless to say, I lost all me money. At the time, though, I didn't care because it thought I'd get a huge inheritance from my supposedly dead mother. It wasn't until I got home and checked my answer machine that I found out they'd dialled the wrong number and that my mother was still very much alive! So now I'm back to being depressed and posting FML statuses on Facebook to try and get attention. This doesn't work though as I have no friends.
FML :(xoxoxoxo


When I heard the news, I was devastated... She wasn't dead!