To my many, many fans out there
You may have been wondering what has been happening to me these past few months. I know I haven’t been keeping up with blog posts (what can I say? I’m old and forgetful) and for that I am sorry. But I have a good reason. It all started on the 7th of February, I was all ready for bed, my teeth brushed and by pyjamas on, and I was just settling down to watch the daily Keno draw at five ‘o’ clock. At first, I couldn’t believe what was happening; the numbers just kept coming and coming. Before I knew it I was dancing around the lounge singing. I won! 50,000 dollars was all mine. Finally I was accomplishing something. My life, no longer a waste. No longer a failure. My mother would be so proud...
Then Mr. McNugget ate the winning ticket.
It was my own fault, I suppose. I neglected to buy cat food and, instead, spent the money on that new protein shake diet programme.
Anyway, I was so annoyed I could have strangled that little pest of an animal. But I didn’t, he’s my only friend. Instead I whipped out a packet of chocolate fudge creams and gorged myself until the pain subsided. After my unhealthy binge-fest I signed up on one of those internet sites where you can win stuff if you just send in your credit card details and social security number. Instantly, I won a three week cruise around the Greek Islands! I couldn’t believe my luck. I hurriedly packed my belongings, stuffed Mr. McNugget into my suitcase and headed to the airport.
In hindsight I should have been more careful (you know how those interweb sites can be. All small print and minute details) and in my hurry I didn’t read the fine print properly and ended up getting on the wrong flight (the printing was so small the 6 looked like an 8). As it turned out, I’d jumped onto an aeroplane bound for a tiny country at the bottom of the world called New Zealand. Or something like that anyway (it was hard to understand their accents). I had been stuck in that Kiwi-Land for three months. There was nothing but sheep and Hobbits. Everyone wore flip-flops all the time (and when it was cold they’d wear flip-flops with socks underneath) and lived on dairy farms and drove around in their paddocks on quad-bikes. I’ve spent the last 85 days living off fish and chips. And this strange fruit called a kiwi-berry. I think we can safely say that my get-slim-quickly protein shake diet has gone down the toilet. Oh, that reminds me, the only toilets they had in New Zealand were long-drops. Eugh. It’s good to be home.
Here's a picture of me taken by some Kiwi bloke:
Here's a picture of me taken by some Kiwi bloke:
